Thanksgiving this year means my wife and I will have to pick up her father, a clueless sociopathic serial womanizer who basically talks about himself in a 24-minute clip that repeats endlessly. How do I not lose my marbles stuck in the car with this self-absorbed maniac?
For decades there’s been a joke in Buddhist circles: A guy comes back from a retreat and tells his friend that he’s achieved enlightenment. To which his friend replies, “Wait until you have to spend the weekend with your parents.”
Thanksgiving, of course, is not only about food. It’s about sharing that food with people who grate on you and push buttons. Buddhists talk about the way we get trapped in the suffering of repeated cycles of existence. Sound familiar?
During the holidays, “we fall back into our ruts,” said Lama Surya Das, a 60-year-old Buddhist teacher and author. “People make holiday resolutions: ‘Oh, I’m not going to get mad at Uncle So-and-So, or at my mother or father.’ And how long does that last?”
His tips for breaking out of those crazy-making ruts are based on decades of teaching — and common sense. Sit next to people who annoy you the least. Avoid conversations about religion and politics. Drink in moderation. “Alcohol disinhibits, so people get a little more sloppy and less mindful and say things they wouldn’t,” he said. Try to empathize with family members who drive you bonkers.
“I try to see the Buddha in them,” he said. “See the light, the divinity in them. Even in the difficult ones.”
And if all else fails, tell yourself what the Buddha figured out: it’s all an illusion.
“I quote from the diamond wisdom sutra: This is just like a dream, like a fantasy, like a sitcom,” Lama Surya said. “And then I can laugh much more. You’ve got to keep a sense of humor about these things, and not expect the struggle to end.”
The Dining staff is taking questions on cooking, drinking, entertaining, or any other holiday hurdles. Tweet us at @nytimesdining using the hashtag #ThanksgivingQs, or post a question, and browse other readers’ questions, here. Thanksgiving recipes, videos and more are here.